Tuesday, July 9, 2013

The Art of Communication

In these modern times that we live in, most people seem to be entirely too busy. People are either on their cell phones, on their computers, watching TV or driving back and forth to work, family get-togethers, sporting events or something else. Done in moderation, all of these things are good but when it consumes your whole day and evening, something has to give. I fear that people are losing their ability to actually communicate effectively with others. That one-on-one interaction is important and it seems to be all too rare nowadays. This is an unfortunate situation and steps need to be taken to correct this problem. We decided to see what we can do to rectify it.

Can anyone tell me what this is? Go on, guess. Then guess again. Think about it for a minute and see if you can figure out what it is. You have seen one of these before, haven't you? Just in case you haven't, I will go ahead and tell you what it is so that you may be enlightened  and confused no more.
 It is a state-of-the-art, high-tech, communication device.
A communication device? Is it some sort of antenna? An extraterrestrial satellite link? A teleportation portal that can beam up Scotty, Capt. Kirk and Lieut. O'Hara ? Because it looks to me like it's just a giant stick with some yellow tubing hanging off of it.  What on earth are you talking about it being a communication device? How in the world is it supposed to work?
Well, I'm going to tell you. Do you remember those old  TV commercials for long-distance phone service? The commercials that said to reach out and touch someone? That is exactly what this communication device is designed for, to reach out and touch someone. This particular reach-out-and- toucher is located at a lake we frequently go to and it is conveniently placed near the water's edge. This a strategic location carefully chosen to maximize our effective range and it enables us to broadcast our message to the greatest possible audience.

Every worthwhile invention in the history of mankind has a name and we call our communication device a SplatCom. It consists  of two parts, a frame and a launcher and it works sort of like this.

Here we have a communication specialist demonstrating the  usage of our device.  It is a simple device really, operating on long known principles of physics.  Although a college degree will be helpful, and a masters or a doctorate is even more beneficial, it is not mandatory if you wish to learn how to operate this machine.  With patience and careful instruction, even the most intellectually challenged can be trained to communicate with it effectively .
 So just how does it work?  First you place a water balloon, a rock, an ostrich egg, an apple, a horse turd, a squirrel, your neighbors cat, or some other suitable projectile into the black pouch of our device. Then you pull back on the launcher, aim it at your target audience and release.  Simple as that.
Hmmmm. That is all well and good I suppose but ............................. how do you consider this communication?
What?  Are you daft?  Perhaps a better question would be, how is this not communication?  We can reach out to anyone in the immediate vicinity and get our point across. Very quickly, I might add.
 If our area were to be invaded by a horde of fishing boats, a couple of projectiles launched across their bow would let them know immediately that they need to vacate the premises and find a different place to fish.  Neighbors are easily kept at bay, giving us plenty of room to spread out our stuff along the beach.  Stray dogs are no problem, no match at all for a high velocity projectile of any kind.  After one shot they will learn that they need to leave you alone. But the reason the SplatCom was invented in the first place, the main reason was to communicate with the leeches of society, the lowest on the totem pole, the defiler's of the water, the scum of the scum bucket. Yes, you know who I'm talking about.  Precisely. I'm talking about those irritating souls riding SeaDoos or jet skis.
 Are these noisy machines fun to ride? Yep. Can they go anywhere?  Just about. Are they fast? Of course.  When it is not you out there on the water but others who are riding them, is the noise maddening, infuriating and just irritating enough that you want to go  choke the life out of those driving them? Most definitely. With  our device,  you can rid yourself of those pesky little waterborne dwarfs and avoid the jail sentence associated with whacking them.  A water balloon launched directly into the head, chest, groin or butt area will have them seeking other environments in short order, leaving you at peace with the world.  If it is your own offspring out there on the watersquirting devices, the same water balloon launched at a more sedate velocity will get their attention and then you can yell at them that lunch is ready, that it is time for their nap, that there is a shark directly behind them about to eat them, that there is a waterspout headed your way, or that they need to drive across the lake and get you some more beer. Using our device, the ways of communicating are many, the messages you wish to send infinite.

Do you know who this is? I hope that somebody does , because we don't. Not for sure, anyway. We found him alongside the road or in a dumpster or in a parking lot or something and we decided to call him Pedro.  Even the lowliest peon like Pedro can be trained to use our communicator in the appropriate fashion .

 See? Although he possesses a limited knowledge of the English language and gets his point across mostly through  a complex combination of sign language, grunts and farts, Pedro is eager to communicate with others. He displays a natural affinity for our device and is able to spread his message with ease. 
 So, now that you are aware of all the possibilities and all of the good that can come from effective communicating, you are eager to construct your own communication device, aren't you?  And you are eager to know just how we went about it, are you not? All right, at the risk of violating our national security, I will tell you the secret to our device, the brain that controls our invention.  The secret ingredient to our device is a water balloon slingshot.  The one that we are using is designed to be used by three people, one on each side holding it and the third person pulling back on it to launch the balloons. That is a much too complicated process and a complete waste of manpower.  There simply had to be a better way. So we persuaded a nearby tree to donate a giant sling shot,  used hose clamps to fasten it in a vertical position onto a piece of angle iron that is welded onto the framework surrounding a large chunk of concrete, and now we have a water balloon launcher that requires only one person to operate.   That leaves  more little kidlets free so that they can be out in the water swimming or riding jet skis, having fun  and providing targets of opportunity at the same time.  That is what I call a win-win situation.